| (no subject) |
[Sep. 10th, 2009|12:10 am] |
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So here I am. Henderson, the pinnacle of my dreams. Why do I feel like a person playing dress up. Like a kid on a Home Alone movie. Too small for these big people clothes, too tiny to carry my groceries on my bike at night, and too lazy to wipe my dripping nose on a tissue. I came here to prove something right? To family that didn't think I was strong enough. How I wish it was just a movie, and that I could just come home every night after acting. |
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| Im so |
[Mar. 8th, 2009|01:20 am] |
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gassy |
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| about: blank |
[Jan. 10th, 2009|01:14 pm] |
about: blank
just another unopened tab
so many windows
four screens
fight club in the distance
screen saver to my left
dark screen to right
and poem:
a noun encripted on its self to the front
adolescent woes
disgusting
the pictures of me on the screne saver,
my encripted self
disgusting
too many windows: my chinese, my book, my instrument, my faults,
the word "my"
is it an adjective?
maybe a pronoun
the question echos
another window answers
southern rain outside
Im out the door |
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| floating |
[Sep. 28th, 2008|01:52 pm] |
For the first time in my life I feel like I am floating in moral and sexual confusion.
I'm not sure what I want, what I believe, and when I think I am moving up or down or to some specific direction I find the opposite direction just as appealing.
This limbo is not necessarily uncomfortable, in fact I am enjoying the gravity-less medium where I am pulled in different directions by invisible forces.
I want the freedom of singleness and the comfort of having a stable lover
I want the outside of a male and the inside personality of a female
I want to become financially stable and I want to be an art bum
I want to explore counterproductive ways of thinking and I want to settle upon values that are reliable and feasible guidelines for my life
I want the clairvoyance to know who to love and who not to love and I want the ignorance to love unreservedly |
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| writing woes |
[Mar. 1st, 2008|07:25 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
First let me say that I am really lame because I am almost crying over this paper.
I have spent three hours on one page. This is my third introduction paragraph.
It is due march 11 so I really shouldn't worry, but I am going insane.
I think it is because I am trying to make up some weird generalization about TRUTH and it is too big of a subject.
I am trying to say that there are four types of people in their regards to truth
the first identifies truth with morals
the second identifies truth with reality
the third identifies truth with neither
the fourth identifies truth with both
I cant tell whether this makes sense or not
I tryed drawing these weird vendiagrams but I dont think they make sense anymore
maybe I should not worry about comprehension right now and save that for editing
yeah thats what I will do
I am just tired of spending hours writing things that dont make sense later
I thank Sigur Ros however for allowing me to ignore distractions
and livejournal for listening to my insignificant frustrations |
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| getting paid to make a livejournal entry |
[Feb. 10th, 2008|10:32 am] |
I am at work now yay
life is pretty good
might see bayside tonight
I can't complain about anything
I guess that is why this livejournal is so dry
....like your mom :.
ew. sorry |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 29th, 2007|11:25 am] |
never let friends play matchmaker
I guess its been a while since I've been on the recieving end of a dump. I guess it reminds me to be careful with other people. I dont even think I would be feeling bad now if it were me who had done it. It was just so unexpected.
That touches upon another thing.
kill hope
or at least expectations
wow I dont want to sound emo because I think this happening was a good lesson for me. I need to be gentler with people and not get too excited over potential relationships.
I also want to not notice beautiful people or have anyone notice me because of my physical exterior.
I just wish that we were all blind.. but I guess we would then find a different way to judge people, like how our voices sound or something. Right now I want to destroy the word "I" because I feel like me focusing on myself is what is bringing me so much trouble in the first place.
I suppose Im fighting with reality.
welp I know the future still has good in store for me.. I guess that contradicts the first statement of "kill hope" |
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| holy fuck |
[Nov. 17th, 2007|09:22 pm] |
I lost my flash drive this week
I just found it ... in the dryer
It still works after being washed and dried! |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 3rd, 2007|07:23 pm] |
my theory:
Lindsay Robertson has a boyfriend therefore hell has frozen over
this is why I got an A on my math test and a D- on my art assignment
getting a D- on my art assignment was a shock but I think it was healthy for me because I realized that I shouldn't hinge my emotions on if people like my work or not. I shouldn't do art just for approval either. In fact I am reevaluating what I even consider art. Lately I have been frustrated with it because I feel like I am not producing anything meaningful. In fact I feel like i am just wasting resources. I want to find a more satisfying way to create. Maybe art should be more of an experience. In that case I suppose I could write more as a form of art. I dont know. I want to tap into a deeper form of art but Im not sure how.
Speaking of experiencing art. I came upon a new revelation that maybe god is not only the love and force that connects living creatures but god can also be found in our experiences. This thought was posed in the movie Into the Wild that I saw last night. It really reminded me of Jack keroac's book Dharma Bums.
The movie addressed a question I had posed earlier in the day. I was talking to Jenny Lee and she was telling me of someone who was accepted as the only plastic surgeon allowed in the unr course of study and how he did it so quickly and how he is still so young. After some initial feelings of reverence for this guy I began to think about the meaning of all this struggle of that which we call college.
I know this is a generalization but it seems that students are encouraged to decide what they want to do, rush through school, and begin working right away. Why? Is it so we can get cars, money and start a family? Then what? we pay bills and slave and save away for our kids to go to college and begin the process again.
I am not an advocate of dropping out of school and living in the wild, free of materialism. However I think that it is important to maintain a degree of balance while in college. Some people seem to be working so hard just to keep up with the leaders in the pack (yeah I know, wolf pack, no pun intended). But how much do we really want money, to pay bills, and to begin a steady life of work?
I think that on a small scale the feeling of competition has been affecting my mood and stress levels in college. Already Ive had a few spurts of depression. I think that even though I dont realize it at the time I feel like I should become better, smarter and faster over here. I cant help but compare myself to others and use "success" stories as false motivations.
I think I just forgot that 'success' is an ambivalent term that only embodies what people consider happiness. If I think happiness is helping others and finding inner peace, then I will truly be successful when I work towards that goal. Maybe it doesn't include rushing and being the leader of the swarm of students, because what is propelling that race is a silent mantra of money and academic fame.
something to chew on:
quantity or quality
is it better to have one or two children and help them influence the world
or is it better to not have children and help several people but not put as much effort into them as you would raising children
so quality or quantity
well good night
thank you to anyone who made it to the end of this mega-entry it means a lot to me that you care |
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| week of close calls and inner observations |
[Sep. 21st, 2007|08:26 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | metropol- Brazil | ] |
a few minutes ago I almost sacrificed my ipod to the toilet bowl. I forgot it was in my pocket and when I pulled down my pants it was hanging by one earphone to my head above the water :)
On sunday I thought I put my phone in the washing machine. So I stopped the cycle and tried to dig through my pants pocket. luckily it was in my purse
maybe the moral to these stories is that pants shouldn't have pockets.
Other close calls:
I got trained as a chashier at the bookstore and I tryed to give a guy a $100 dollar bill instead of a 10$
I tryed to stiff another man 15$ by giving him 15cents instead.
moral of these stories, I like it when people use credit cards.
On lust/loneliness:
I am much better than I was earlier. I am filled with more patience. Now it doesn't seem important to find someone just because I have freedom in college. So no more firends with benefits plan. This now seems like some short cut to the real thing. It never lasts and wouldnt be comfortable with someone I'm not familiar with. I guess dating is good because it teaches you what you find attractive.. but Im tired of liking people I couldn't see myself marrying.
I guess this requires some more self disipline on my case.
on beauty
I realized that im more comfortable with people that arn't gorgeous.. It's like I have some natural prejudice against them. Maybe I assume that since their exterior is so beautiful they must have some psychological blemish. This is just an observation of myself. I usually get better once I get to know them. I think I am shy around them because I dont want to give them the wrong impression. Whether it is a boy or girl it feels like I need to please them or they wont understand my wierdness. Hmm I think me realizing this in myself will bring me to treat all people with the same degree of friendliness. |
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| week of angst, I blame it on whoremones once again |
[Sep. 8th, 2007|09:25 pm] |
Well much is to be said about the start of college.
Dorm life is great, good roomie, Im excercising (gasp) and eating well (lack of surprise sound[pffft]).
School is not too hard or easy, like a warm porridge not exciting.
Mostly the thing I am struggling with is my own visceral need for boy excitement. I am disgusted with myself. I should be content with being single. No, time commitment, freedom to explore opportunities without guilt, more 'me' time. But my stupid whore mones make me want to find a cuddle buddy.
Solution should be simple right? Just pick a guy and let go from there. Trouble is, Im picky and have difficult conditions.
The AGREEMENT:
1) no sex
2) I understand that any possible friendship will be dissolved during this alleged relationship
3) I understand that she will eventually either really start to like me and get depressed or decide to cut off benefits without notice
What am I talking about? I dont think I would ever require someone to sign a silly thing like this. In fact I think I am just experiencing some fleeting cravings and eventually if I stop predicting how things will turn out they will take care of themselves.
I guess I just expect myself to have better control over my girlish yearnings, but oh well I am only a human in prime reproductive years. I guess I should be more patient with myself and less fearful of commitment or complications from pseudo-non-commitment-relationship. |
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| destroyer meets library computers |
[Jul. 31st, 2007|06:49 pm] |
here I sit at the library computer, I have crashed so many computers by now that I figure that I should move on to new prey. Besides the it is my silent revenge against the library, I discovered that I have 13$ in fines for cd's I could have sworn I returned, oh well I probably will have to pay for them in full soon.
my sister left this morning... my room is devoid of her friendly clutter. It is relieving and lonely at the same time. I guess it is good that she left before the 19th when most of my other friends are going away to college.
on the brighter side I really love working at the UNR bookstore. I get to look at books all day the people are really nice too. It makes me look forward to living in the dorms. I hope my roomate is nice.. Jessica Ross has become such a amorphous character in my mind now all i know is that she is from las vegas |
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| bla |
[Jun. 8th, 2007|07:53 pm] |
I think I need to go for a bike ride.. that always makes me feel better. but I am stuck babysitting.
I shouldn't be upset about little things like I am. like my friends going away for college, or highschool being over, or me feeling weird around people who I think are my best friends. I wish the people I hang out with got along better, then again part of me doesn't really care. Its just when they talk bad about each other I get uneasy. I suppose it really isn't that big of a deal. I kinda feel lonely lately though. Maybe my sister coming will be really good then.
I also have decided to break up with Jesse. Sadly it has to be with a letter. But on the brighter note at least I will not have to have awkward "ex" encounters in reno with him for at least two years.
I suppose this may be why I am so down too. I shouldnt do this but without a guy I just kinda feel ugly and alone.
I know this is wrong.. I have lots of loving people around me and my life is really pretty good. This makes me feel a little whimpy and that makes me angry at myself. aarg |
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| yess stat's is over! |
[May. 8th, 2007|11:01 pm] |
Finally I can stop feeling like a nut case. My theory for studying is that my brain is like teflon and the more I toss on the pan before it falls off the better I will do on a test. So last night I started reading every chapter, and the notes, and my flash cards, and taking the practice online tests for every chapter. If it wern't for Sam bribing me to stop with ice cream I think I probably would have studied all night. Thank you Sam, you know that the only way to stop my brain is to entice my stomach. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 18th, 2007|08:00 pm] |
Finally chocolaty victory is mine. For about a year my stepmother has kept a dark chocolate candy bar in the kitchen drawer. Countless times I have smelled it, admired it and unwrapped its golden wrapping like charlie and the wonka bar. But I never ate it. I always felt guilty and had put the bar away.
Today my stepmother did the unthinkable. Yes the woman who doesnt want me to eat "watson's fruit" or use "watson's dishes" GAVE ME THE CHOCOLATE BAR!
I will avoid using the trite saying that it was bitter sweet... even though it was bitter sweet chocolate. Somehow it didnt taste as wonderful as it had looked and smelled all of these months. Maybe because it was too simple of a victory.
Never the less it was wonderful and concioentiously sweet. |
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| If my live journal were a child, I would be arrested for neglect |
[Apr. 13th, 2007|07:31 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  okay | ] |
So I am in a quandary. Should I stay with my mormon boyfriend on his mission or should I break up with him. Or just do nothing right now. All I know is that there is no way I am becoming mormon. I respect his religion but I just disagree with the minutia, traditions and proselytizing.
(by the way I hope you dont get annoyed with the vocab-packed language this is the only way I think I can prepare for AP English)
Maybe I am over-thinking this whole situation. I mean there really is no immediacy because he is gone and he already said I was free to date if I wanted to. On the other hand I think that it would be pointless to continue because in general the purpose of dating is to eventually marry right? Im not saying that all I care about is marrying but to put it plainly it is either me or the church. I dont want to make him choose.
Through all of this I am having a hard time not hating the "joseph smith" crew. I know they are loving and family oriented but I think that people who are happy shouldnt assume that automatically one key fits all. In other words not one religion makes everyone happy.
But maybe I am making too many generalizations and assumptions about religious people. Then I would be a hypocrite, accusing other people of being indignant and too quick to judge when in reality these people are a minority. then I would be the judgmental one.
Ok well I am going in circles.
I wish I could close this off with some kind of pacifying conclusion paragraph but I am too scatterbrained to even know what my main thought is.
this is just a rant. yay |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 6th, 2006|06:25 pm] |
so here I am tonight
jumbled music replaying in my mind
watson's hand on my foot
my mouth warm and sleepy from tea
temples throbbing
they are out there right now
in the rain
but maybe its better im here
in the pages of my bricks
made from paper and deep thought
rapacious hunger to devour
damn you mrs vaughn
this summer of ignorance was bliss
not there is never enough time
damn my snail pace
I want:
time
a good vocabulary
freedom
a life
balance
health
to stop wanting |
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| restraining the inner asian |
[Sep. 5th, 2006|07:03 pm] |
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Wow coming back to school was a lot more stressful than I anticipated! In the summer I thought I was pretty smart.. then I came to school and am surrounded by geniuses. It doesnt seem fair that most other kids take about one fourth the time I take on projects. Im still learning how to spell words like knowledge and Wednesday. Why am I even taking all these AP classes if I just want to go to TMCC anyways? Its like I have some inner drive to compete and get good grades to feel worthy or something. Is it in my genes? Anyways Im trying to combat this suicidal urge to be the best and brightest. Its killing me. By the way I thank my true friends who listen to my nerdy complaints you guys really are a life support. |
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| english paragraph response to READING IS AN EVENT OF THINKING CUED BY TEXT |
[Aug. 26th, 2006|11:39 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  content | ] |
An event of thinking and reading cues text. Text is also cued by thinking about who is reading. Reading can be interpreted as unique events of thinking depending on who is being cued by the text. Text is nothing but words until they are cued in the event of thinking. Thinking and cuing this text is an event.
YAY Im Done with SUMMER HOMEWORK! |
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| another precious summer day |
[Aug. 25th, 2006|11:40 pm] |
Wow I never thought I would ever compare our economy to Chlamydia but that was all I talked about in my government essay! I think I should make it some kind of theme for this year, everything can be compared to an STD right?!
Ive had such a good day. I finished my government homework and then I went on a bike ride with mandi, we visited jonny then I went to cold stone where I got a free ice cream and saw the canadian and Elizabeth (I cant remember her last name its not hajec but its the really sweet one)
Im still really bothered about what my close friend said to me but Im trying to put it all behind me and this day really helped. |
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